‘I just want a hug and a hiss’

Day 1 in this cold, massive and dark ship.

You think they’d do something to the decor in here. It’s just so bland. 50 shades of grey? More like 150. All the corridors looks exactly the same, there’s just no pacing to them. Still, I do kind of blend in, which suits me fine – the people here treat me like a freak. Only yesterday did I come across one of them cowering in the corner. I dropped down from the vent, began to introduce myself and lent in for a friendly squeeze. Everyone likes a hug right?

Well not these people. They go to bits, literally. I’m not sure what these people eat but they really need to up their calcium intake. With just the slightest touch it’s an arm here, a leg and enough claret to paint many a town red. Why did I stow away on this ship again?

Day 2. Met a new chap called Joe. He seems to be ignoring me. Total workaholic too, utterly intent on pottering around on the computer and mumbling to himself. I’ll go back in a few days to see if he’s feeling more congenial.

Day 3. I’m feeling super upset today. An extremely angsty woman tried to set me on fire when I approached her asked for the whereabouts of the canteen. I don’t need this drama, I just want a Chicken Kiev and baked beans. I’m going to keep my eyes open for her. I’ll be ready next time I see her. I’m going to give her the mother of all Chinese burns. See how she likes it.

Day 4. Nothings changed with Joe. I told him a funny joke about an two astronauts and a stolen M-Class star freighter to which he replied; ‘Adhering to protocol 45b, section 11’. Not even a smile. I think Joe’s a lost cause.




He (or is it a she?) got me again. I was trying to avoid a group of particularly ‘tactile’ androids with my usual  pusillanimous approach ( run in the opposite direction. Fast), when my favourite person decided to drop down from a vent and incorporate a new and highly unnecessary orifice in my chest.

This is so unfair. Why does it want to kill me at any and every given opportunity. It’s not as though its going to eat me…